The idea of you yelling at me for losing myself again saddens me. The last time I lost it, it took me quite a while to calm down and be myself again. Those 8 months of euphoria were definitely the best months of my life, and the worst.
When I called you because I needed someone to talk to, you yelled at me because you were in a meeting. You told me to grow up, and start acting more mature. You told me to get over with the drama. It was like watching a scene from years ago.
Sometimes, I just wanna book a flight home, run to you, hug you and beg if you could have coffee kwentuhan with me. Clearly, I am not the little girl that you used to see anymore. I am a totally different person now. I wish I could tell you all the fun and crazy things that I’ve done so we could laugh about it.
If you’ve been my friend for more than a year, or if we happened to hangout really often, you should be able to know that I really suck at handling stress. I always find ways of ending up road-killed, depressed, and all so “it’s-all-my-fault”. I always end up crying to the littlest things, and bring back memories from decades ago.
Thank God, for the friend who drove me around campus at 2 am just so we could scream our lungs out. Thank you for listening. Thank you for being that one person who told me that releasing it out was fine. Thank you for repeating it again and again that things happen for a reason. And that we needed to grow up and be mature to know why it really happened.
Thank God, for the friend whom I texted during Onse lec to come and save me. Feelings suddenly sinked in, and I was only a blow away from breaking down in class. In a matter of minutes, I found myself running to my his car, crying for half an hour without him knowing why. Without any questions, he just sat beside me and waited til I calmed down.
Thank God, for my sorority sisters, especially to LG Karah. You guys know how important you are to me.
Thank God, for my fraternity brothers, for being the most supportive and cutest protective big brothers in the world. They may have cracked the cheeziest and corniest jokes, but it made me feel happy anyway.
Thank God, for my chismoso/chismosa friends, for having really cool auras of spotting the kindiiwithproblem and kindiiwithoutproblem version of me.
Thank God, for my loving high school batchmates.You guys have been my 24/7 psychologist for the past 7 years.
Thank God, for mommy.
Thank God, for giving me the chance to experience life.
I wish I could tell people the reason why I’m acting like this, but I just can’t. Thank you for comforting me, even if I can’t tell you the story behind this very tragic week. Thank you for giving me the tightest hugs, even if I never asked for one. Thank you for not forcing me to speak up. Most of all, thank you for being there for me.
I promise, I really tried my best not to get attached. A part of me always knew that you were capable of taking a step back while I was already on freefall. And you did.
I had mixed feelings that day, like I knew that something bad was really gonna happen. But I hoped that a compromise would be made in the end. It was clear to me that you weren’t ready since day one and that I had no control over that. I just can’t seem to understand why you’ve thought of me expecting something from it, cause I never did. Even if I wanted to, I never asked you to be ready and to make up your mind. I respected your decisions because I didn’t know what it felt like to be in your shoes.
I was happy with what we had. I really was. I was contented with that kind of setup. I was willing for it to remain that way even for a really long time, because you mattered to me. You really did. It just saddens me that we had to end everything. We could have settled to take it slow, but what was I supposed to say? You didn’t want it anymore. Even if I wanted to say that we could work it out, that we had an option to slack off a bit, I ended up shutting up. I didn’t want to force you into doing something that you didn’t really want, that you weren’t exactly sure of.
So is it always like that? Today, they’re fine. Tomorrow, they’re not. It’s not you, it’s me, then they just leave? Shouldn’t they at least try to make things work out, instead of just giving up? Shouldn’t they at least settle to a decision that’s beneficial and less painful to both of the parties concerned?
Because the elephant I know isn’t black-skinned. And of course, the butterfly must have her tiara.
We’ve all had those moments, when we’re suddenly ripped into being alive, into our own existence. Oftentimes in those moments, all we’re capable of thinking is that life has given us nothing but pain, suffering, heartache, and a very scarring horror ride. In those moments, we will be tethered to the false notion that nothing in this world can bring back what we’ve lost. With this, we will be hesitant to take another risk, only thinking that history might repeat itself one more time. Most of us end up by creating this bubble for themselves of which no one could penetrate, or by boxing themselves out with a perfect wall of damaged and despaired hopes.
Truth is, the secret to living a life of contentment is to learn how to let things go, to know your limits when enough is enough, and to accept that moving on from a tragedy is as necessary as having your weekly café latte ritual. Because my god, we’re alive. We’re capable of having emotions, and life is spectacular.
And sometimes, all it takes is to meet that one person who’s capable of making you happy one more time, that one person who feels like home, that one person who has given you enough courage to stop playing games and start taking risks again, that one person who’ll offer you a hug when things go bad, that person whose mere companionship makes you really happy without knowing the most precise reason why.
Accounting the 7 billion people on earth, finding that person won’t be an easy search. But if it’s bound to happen, it will just have to happen naturally. It may come about in the wee hours of the night, or in the most bizarre way possible, or something as random as an elephant being friends with a random butterfly in the wild.
It is that time of the year again when silver bells are bound to ring, and lovers are meant to be kissed under the mistletoe. That time of the year, when families who have been separated for the past 11 months be reconciled, and family members be forgiven for whoever they may have done wrong.
Unlike the Christmases that we have had for the past decades, I can yet say that this has been the saddest Christmas for our family. Jealousy, hatred, and insecurity have caused conflict among my titas and titos, and what used to be an annual clan party, is now a lonely dinner with dad’s branch of the family, my abuelo and my abuela.
Almost all of abuela’s children have turned against her back this yuletide season. And as expected from a typical family of pure Spanish decency, pride will be above anything else. A part of me knows that no matter how much it may hurt my titas and titos, they will never be here to ask for forgiveness before the clock strikes 12, nor will they magically appear to welcome the 25th with us. It just crushed my heart to see abuelo cry earlier, knowing that our presence will never be enough for him.
I must admit, my family is now one of those broken families. But by my very own definition of broken, it is something that can be fixed, something with high hopes of salvation, and something worth sacrificing for. As to my family, I will forever long for that day to come.
Despite this internal family conflict that we are now facing, I am still thankful for the financial affluence that God has given us all throughout the year. I am gratified that my mom and dad have not given up on my grandparents, notwithstanding the recent happenings. I am grateful that in spite of my abuelo’s roundtrips to the emergency room, he will still be having dinner with us later.
And if there’s something that people should value most, it should be their family. For what else is worth fighting for, if not love for the people of your own blood?
Get your stickers now and stick them random places, give them to people you know who are hurting, or maybe someone you’ve never even met before. We hope that we can get these stickers into the hands of those who need encouragement or need to know that it gets better.
Get yours here: Random Acts of Kindness Stickers
In honor of launching this new sticker pack, we’ll throw in a FREE Stay Positive Bro sticker for free if you order today. Thanks for spreading hope with us.